fade…a clarification

dear friends…i thought it was important to make clear that this poem is a story, it is fiction and it has nothing to do with my day to day, loving relationship with my partner Scout and i. i guess i muddied the waters a little bit when i spoke about my momentary melancholy, it happens to me from time to time for no apparent reason. i just took the opportunity to put those feelings into words, and that’s what this story is.

so sorry if i created any confusion.
this poem is meant to be read as this song plays in the background

even in the small apartment they shared
he could now carefully manipulate his body
so that no part of him ever touched her in passing
in the cramped kitchen, reaching into the fridge
at the sink, rushing to get ready for work

as if her skin didn’t grieve
the absense of his touch, as if she
couldn’t truly remember when he didn’t need a reason
to press up against her, just because he needed to
as if her lips, didn’t miss parting for his

she’ll admit to being slow
to fully absorb, what had changed between them
or maybe it was just her easy nature again
smoothing over the rough spots
blaming herself, for whatever might be wrong

at first she thought
it was just another mood he was in, a phase
she would wake up any morning now, and this could all be gone
back to when they shared more than expenses and a place to sleep gone… without a word spoken about any of it

it’s not that he was unkind, and it’s
not that he would say things that would upset her, he knew better he just never said anything right anymore….
yet they both played their charaade in public, it was
when they were alone together, that the silence screamed loudest

in the dimly lit rooms,
filled with 40 watt bulbs and questions that could never be asked end tables crowded with yellowing memories, framed pictures of their early years together, smiles and endless chatter during their torrid romance when everything seemed possible

when… he said everything right, all the words
she ever dreamed of hearing from a man
all she ever imagined a man might make her body feel
and now he flinches, at an accidental brush across his arm
like her presence… is an imposition in his life

now, it’s a fear that grips her chest
when she dares to face the possibility of this truth
she’s learned… she takes comfort in the hollow pain
her loneliness a reliable lover now, she stays
because it is far less frightening, than what she doesn’t know . . .

because no love should ever just fade…
there is no reconciliation in apathy
no healing in the cruel silence of ambivalence
an unsteady self is left shaken
attempting to answer questions that pleaded to be
but were never answered
because love
deserves more than
a cowardly exit . .

29 thoughts on “fade…a clarification

  1. can I tell you I cried listening to the music and reading these words? You chose the perfect song Last Dance for what you felt when writing this. {hugs} my friend and thank you for the tears.

  2. Oloriel says:

    Your words combined with the music of Sarah is a heartbreaking, complete life experience. I hope the melancholy feelings soon get replaced by pure joy for you!

    • thanks Oloriel, i just stopped fighting it and figured if i wrote about it, it would help clear it out of my system…already working on another poem not nearly as sad, so maybe it worked!

  3. such seasons where the silence echoes wearisome loneliness yet, it crams the surroundings within and out, is tortuous and enveloping ~ Your zigzag relationship is debilitating ~beautifully written !

    • oh my friend i am so sorry, this is a story, it is from my imagination and has nothing to do with my relationship to Scout and to our everyday. i guess i didn’t make that clear enough. believe me, if this was us, this poem and many others would be far more tragic than this one.

  4. LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words says:

    you write of real emotions in an emotionless moment
    it’s sad when one realize they care for emotionally detached ones…
    this is sad…but the under currents are so drowning in sorrow…
    you my friend are an empath…if this is not you then it is the energy of someone you encountered…
    hauntingly beautiful…the music is perfect….
    Take Care…You Matter…

    • ty ladyblue, and it is most definitely not me now but it has been my experience of both characters in the past, and of witnessing our friend Linda experience the very same passive aggressive detachment.

      yes it’s absolutely heartbreaking, and at least to this heart much worse than telling your lover the painful truth, at least the truth provides some answers and an eventual path to healing.

      if i can ask , did you get the impression it was me now, because the last comment definitely did?

  5. LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words says:

    at first as I saw you watching sadness unfold..I thought it could be you remembering…wandering within a memory..but the word fade came in and it was like a distant picture fading like the movies right before the credits are run…
    even though you used third person, it feels personal….an empath will live someones energy….but only hold it til they can handle it…
    but then it could be personal feeling to me because I know it well…
    sooo…no I didn’t think it was about you…but it could have been at one time..not sure that makes sense…

    • yes it does very much ladyblue, ty. i have been told more than once that i might be an empath before i began writing, i was always a very good listener and a keen observer of other people’s lives…i absorb fully, i live it as if it were my own life unfolding. at least now with writing, i have some place to put that energy where before i did not.

      and yes, it is very personal because i have had relationships fade, and the more i live the love Scout and i are experiencing the more i believe it is the cruelest way for love to end.

      i guess i’m wondering if i should post a clarification. i’m wondering if others felt, because it reads so personal, that this is NOW.

  6. LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words says:

    people are going to believe what they want and hear what they want…
    I have people write me and ask if I need help..I have even been sent suicide help information…I am an empath, photos, music, and people trigger so much of my writings…yes some is very much me, I write to create a magick to keep my thoughts and memories safe for sometimes the whispers are too much…I thought have writing explanations, and actually I did once, it started a snowball melting in hell effect LOLs..I was told I defended myself to much and I should seek immediate mental health help……now I just smile and say thank you …
    though sometimes I throw in I have been blissfully unhappy for many years…and since this is a lesson I need to get right…I won’t change that description til I have finished what I am doing here in this moment of time…if “they” persist, I just say..I have died, crossed over and came back…one would be surprised what we bring back….
    So it is an iffy spot to be in..to explain…or to let it be….
    but I will tell you this..each time I read your thoughts hear…it is an amazing energy…you write with emotion of the heart language…you cannot change that……I say just be you and keep writing your own way…
    Take Care…

    • ha, a snowball melting in hell, thanks for the giggle ladyblue. well, i’m not sure what to say about the mail you recieve, i’ve always understood your writing from the same heart perspective i have, maybe you and i are just lucky that way *smiling*

      i think i will chance a clarification of sorts, because i have an important series of poems planned that are so contrary to this sadness i just don’t want folks confused.

      and thank you so much for your insight, your incredible sensitivity and your compliments. we don’t talk often, but when we do it’s always profoundly important to me, ladyblue.

      • LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words says:

        I enjoyed our chat via cyberspace!…
        looking forward to reading more of you and your thoughts!
        Have a wonderful rest of the night in your part of the world!
        Take Care…

  7. so did i ladyblue, we have much in common you and i. i’ve not met another empath before, actually i’ve not spoken about it much to anyone before tonight, so thank you, ty, ty.

    have a wonderful night, {{{ h u g s }}} to you ladyblue.

    • LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words says:

      and I see you have so very eloquently put a cap on speculation…Good thought!..
      take Care…

      • yes i did after some back and forth in my head, i just didn’t think it was worth the possible confusion, and thanks for talking me through it ladyblue. it helped an awful lot.

  8. SirenaTales says:

    A poignant, aching numbness…or rawness…or both. Beautifully wrought–the searing words accompanied by the melancholy, romantic music. Bravo.

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